LATER RESULTS IN FAVOR OF CYBERSEX
by Marlene M. Maheu, Ph.D.
In line with our previous article on Cybersex Survey, Cybersex - Early Survey Answers, these are more responses we've recently compiled. They are summarized here
by those in favor of and those opposed to cybersex for your convenience. Please let us know your thoughts about the survey .
There is no fear of AIDS or other STD's. You don't need to worry about becoming
pregnant either. Most people who have affairs are not looking for the sexual
relationship but are missing a void that their partners aren't providing.
Cyber-sexual affairs allow people to fill this void without actually
It has been a learning experience for me, I was always very passive and
quiet in bed with my partner, this has helped me open up and show a side of
myself that I never knew existed...it is very exciting to me, and my
boyfriend as well! We have also engaged in phone sex with each other. Our
relationship has a definite "spark" to it, and I have made the comment to
him many times that we never would have known each other quite this well if
we had met in a more traditional manner.
I feel meeting in cyberspace has its advantages and disadvantages...but for
me it has been a plus. I always had a hard time talking about my feelings
and expressing them. Online I felt safer and more daring, so I was able to
share much more with my partner here than I have ever been able to do in
real life. I even got myself a book about how to talk dirty to your
partner...it has helped me talk about things and say things that I never
ever thought would come out of my mouth...not filthy things, but things that
sound pleasurable to me...and my partner! Our online experiences have
brought us very close together. We have even talked about marriage and we
haven't even met.
Cyber sexual affairs (or the so-called one-night or two-night stands, which
I have had) hardly qualify as being the same sort of destructive event that
a real caught-my-wife-in-the-sack-with-the-milkman sort of affair invariably
This would provide me (A man in my early 50's) with a safe way to fantasize
and remember the things I most enjoyed with real sex without having to
phyisically "cheat" on my wife who has not had sex with me in over 3 years.
She keeps saying "We're too old for that," while I still have sexual
desires and needs. But since I am uncomfortable with the idea of looking for
another woman to satisfy my needs physically, I can at least fantasize and
self satisfy my sexual needs.
Could be highly informative and gives opportunity to share personal
views/issues/problems that one would seldom speak out to any mature adult.
I think cyber-sex can help diffuse hostility between some couples and
thereby enhance a person's primary relationship. I think the private lusting
after someone other than your spouse always diverts energy from your primary
relationship in ways that are less than ideal.
E-sex can be very stimulating because it brings us into truly intimate mental
contact with another person, with surprising results sometimes.
I have found that I can explore my sexual fantasies on the internet. I find
it also super that there is no face to face contact, and therefore no
embarrassment. I am a shy person, and have not had a sexual partner for a while.
Cybersex may fuel the imagination, and could perhaps enhance real sex, much
in the way a forum type magazine might. If a relationship were strong in
the firstplace, a partner would not stray into those places on the internet
cybersex is found.
During my separation and into my divorce, I found cyber and phone sex to be
relatively satisfying. I met a man on the net, we had cyber cudding, phone
sex, eventually met and married. He is one of the warmest people I have ever
met. He has completely fulfilled me. I no longer have cyber affairs. I do
with whom I once had cybersex, but if they couldn't make the switch to
platonic friendship, I let them go.
Cybersex is not a threat to a solid relationship...if a cyberaffair is
engaged in, the relationship is weak at some critical point anyway.
The possibility of sex outside usual norms seems a kind of new frontier
which awakens the spirit of pioneers.
I believe that they are safer, especially because of the deadliness of
sexually transmitted diseases, you are not endangering your partner with
your extracurricular activities. I think that it is a healthier form of
sexual expression and it allows people to try things that they normally
wouldn't (i.e. homosexual sex, B & D, etc.).
I find nothing wrong with it as long as there is some integrity involved.
As in, not doing it behind a trusting partner's back. I think cybersex is a
legitimate form of sexual release for people who may otherwise not be able
to. It is discreet and safe.
By the electronic connection, one is protected from physical/health harm and
from some kinds of emotional risks -- rejection based on appearance (when
photos aren't exchanged, or even if they are!).
It's a safer vehicle because you can express things more openly in e-mail
that you might not otherwise express in person because there is a safe
barrier between the two people called an "e-mail server."
Our experience has been relatively positive with cybersex as a couple and
very negative when engaged in as a solitary practice.
It's a place where people accept one another and their differences, but also
support one another.
After about six weeks of endless hours on the computer and telephone (and
exchanging photos) we physically met each other and have not been apart
since that day. You share more emotions through the computer than you would
in person due to the fact that you are not as vulnerable.
We often enjoyed sex after he had been online and we frequently enjoyed sex
when we chatted together as a couple.
I think some people have established net relationships (friendships and
otherwise) because something fundamentally important to their marriages is
missing, either has been lost or was never there. Also, the net
relationships allow people who are experiencing changes and personal growth
to find others who will encourage that personal growth. That can lead to
My husband knows I have some kinky conversations on the net, but I always
say I'm just having fun. So far he has let it slide. As I learn more about
the internet as a whole, I find more wholesome activities to enter into.
In chat rooms and e-mail, you drop all of the barriers that protect you from
others. You can just be yourself. Through several month's time, it was a lot
less sex and a lot more true friendship. I fell in love with this man on
IRC. I felt like I was cheating on my fiancee, but I thought that my
irc-lover actually loved me more than the man I had in my arms.
Click here to view Opinions in Favor of Cyber-affairs!!
Click here to view Opinions Opposed to Cyber-affairs!!
Let us know what you think!
Dr. Maheu is an author,
speaker, and researcher. She is the lead author of
E-Health, Telehealth & Telemedicine: A Guide to Program Startup and Success
co-written with Pamela Whitten and Ace Allen, published by Jossey-Bass:
on the Internet is Dr. Maheu's second book and she's currently
working her third, tentatively titled "The Mental Health Professional
Online: New Questions and Answers."
For more information about her speaking schedule, see this page: