I find myself in a very odd situation. I'm a heterosexual man and I've met a woman on-line who is a
lesbian. However, she and I have had cyber sex and she says she really likes it and it makes her feel
great. It feels pretty good to me, too. Is this normal for a lesbian?
Thanks for writing. I can see why you'd find this situation confusing. Part of the problem is the human desire to
make sense of things by creating categories.
We identify people as heterosexual, bisexual, or lesbian or gay and then assume the members of each category
never act like the members of the other categories. That assumption doesn't hold up very well in real life.
Heterosexuals do sometimes engage in sex with members of the same sex, and lesbian and gay people do
sometimes engage in sex with members of the opposite sex. A lesbian who has sex with a man has not changed her
sexual orientation anymore than a heterosexual man who has sex with another man has changed his.
People who study these issues are now making a distinction between orientation, namely the enduring pattern of
attractions we feel, and identity. Identity refers to how we label ourselves. For instance, some people who have
always felt attracted to both men and women may initially identify as heterosexual but later start identifying as
You'll notice I've not used the word "normal" in my comments. That is deliberate. It has too many possible
definitions and too much emotion attached to it for me to find it very useful.
Hope this helps.
Author and psychologist Gail S. Bernstein,
Ph.D. has a psychotherapy practice in Denver, Colorado. Dr. Bernstein speaks
and writes about gay, lesbian and bisexual people for both general and professional
audiences, and is the author of the new audiotape, NOT
HETEROSEXUAL: An Educational Program About Gay, Lesbian and Bisexual People.