I'm a gay man and have been out for several years. I like being gay and being a man, but I have
trouble reaching orgasm, both with other men and in my fantasies. Also, I am not overly interested in
anal intercourse. I have fantasies that worry me. I'm afraid holding on to them keeps me from enjoying
the real thing. What do you recommend?
I'm sorry to hear about your worries. Let's start out by talking about fantasies. Many people have fantasies that
they do not act out, and there is nothing wrong with that. Having fantasies doesn't keep people from enjoying the
real sex they do have.
Fantasies can be a problem, however, if you feel embarrassed about them. I hope you have, or can find, someone to
talk with about them. If you have a partner, I hope both of you feel comfortable enough to talk about any fantasies
You also mention you're not very interested in anal intercourse. Some gay men are very interested in it, and some
are not. There is nothing inherently wrong with preferring some types of sexual activities to others.
If you think you might find it helpful to talk with a professional about these issues, I suggest you contact the
nearest gay/lesbian/bisexual center for a referral.
Author and psychologist Gail S. Bernstein,
Ph.D. has a psychotherapy practice in Denver, Colorado. Dr. Bernstein speaks
and writes about gay, lesbian and bisexual people for both general and professional
audiences, and is the author of the new audiotape, NOT
HETEROSEXUAL: An Educational Program About Gay, Lesbian and Bisexual People.