Gay/Lesbian/Bisexual/Transgendered Department

Please remember, this column is designed to help the consumer seeking behavioral-health information, and not intended to be any form of psychotherapy or a replacement for professional, individualized services. Opinions expressed in the column are those of the columnist and do not represent the position of other staff.


I keep falling for women who are somehow not really available. Some are straight, some are partnered, some are just not interested in developing a relationship. I hate this! Why can't I fall for someone who really might be a possible mate? What am I doing wrong?


Thanks for writing. This is a common problem, and a tough one. There are all sorts of ways to look at it. Sometimes what we do helps us avoid what we fear. For instance, does falling for unattainable people help you avoid developing emotional intimacy and/or sexual intimacy? Maybe it keeps you from feeling badly about being lesbian or bisexual.

Another question to consider is where you go to meet women. Is it somewhere you'll find people with similar interests? Is it somewhere you'll find people interested in more than a casual relationship?

Are you talking with friends about this issue? If not, I suggest you do. You might also consider joining an on-line news group or mailing list where topics like lesbian dating and relationships are discussed. You can find lists of those groups at the Queer Resource Directory (QRD). Just go to the Resources Department.

Finally, you may want to find a counselor or psychotherapist to help you with the changes you want to make. If you do want to find someone, check with the nearest lesbian/gay/bi center for referrals, or contact a nearby psychological association.

Best of luck!


Author and psychologist Gail S. Bernstein, Ph.D. has a psychotherapy practice in Denver, Colorado. Dr. Bernstein speaks and writes about gay, lesbian and bisexual people for both general and professional audiences, and is the author of the new audiotape, NOT HETEROSEXUAL: An Educational Program About Gay, Lesbian and Bisexual People.


Please help support our SelfhelpMagazine mission
so that we may continue serving you.
Choose your
support amount here: