I keep falling for women who are somehow not really available.
Some are straight, some are partnered, some are just not interested in developing a relationship. I
hate this! Why can't I fall for someone who really might be a possible mate? What am I doing wrong?
Thanks for writing. This is a common problem, and a tough one. There are all sorts of ways to look at it.
Sometimes what we do helps us avoid what we fear. For instance, does falling for unattainable people help you
avoid developing emotional intimacy and/or sexual intimacy? Maybe it keeps you from feeling badly about being
lesbian or bisexual.
Another question to consider is where you go to meet women. Is it somewhere you'll find people with similar
interests? Is it somewhere you'll find people interested in more than a casual relationship?
Are you talking with friends about this issue? If not, I suggest you
do. You might also consider joining an on-line news group or mailing
list where topics like lesbian dating and relationships are discussed.
You can find lists of those groups at the Queer Resource Directory (QRD).
Just go to the SelfhelpMagazine.com Resources
Finally, you may want to find a counselor or psychotherapist to help you with the changes you want to make. If you
do want to find someone, check with the nearest lesbian/gay/bi center for referrals, or contact a nearby
Best of luck!
Author and psychologist Gail S. Bernstein,
Ph.D. has a psychotherapy practice in Denver, Colorado. Dr. Bernstein speaks
and writes about gay, lesbian and bisexual people for both general and professional
audiences, and is the author of the new audiotape, NOT
HETEROSEXUAL: An Educational Program About Gay, Lesbian and Bisexual People.