I'm a woman who thinks of herself as heterosexual. However, I also like to fantasize about sex with
other women. Sometimes I go to lesbian clubs to flirt. This is very exciting for me but I struggle with
the ethics. Am I a lesbian pretending to be heterosexual? Or am I really heterosexual? I don't want to
pretend to be someone I'm not, and I don't want someone to fall for me if I'm not available. Please help
me figure out what to do.
It sounds like you're struggling with two different issues. One is the question of whether you are a lesbian. The
other is what to say about your sexual orientation to women you flirt with and find attractive. That is the simpler of
the two issues, because it is always easiest to be honest with people. If all you want is to dance and flirt, simply
turn down offers/requests for more. If you are interested in a date, go. If you want to have a one-night stand but
are not interested in an emotional commitment, be clear about that.
The question of whether you are a lesbian is ultimately one that only you can answer, for you are the only one who
knows what you feel. One question you might ask yourself is how strong your feelings for women are in
comparison of your feelings for men. Women who are far more strongly attracted to other women often identify as
lesbian or gay, while women who are far more strongly attracted to men typically identify as heterosexual. Women
who are more evenly attracted to both women and men are more likely to identify as bisexual. Some people prefer
not to label themselves at all. It's okay to be confused while you sort all this out.
For more information and sources of support, I suggest checking some of the sites listed in our Resources Department under
Gay/Lesbian/Bisexual/Transgender. Good luck to you!
Author and psychologist Gail S. Bernstein,
Ph.D. has a psychotherapy practice in Denver, Colorado. Dr. Bernstein speaks
and writes about gay, lesbian and bisexual people for both general and professional
audiences, and is the author of the new audiotape, NOT
HETEROSEXUAL: An Educational Program About Gay, Lesbian and Bisexual People.