I have been married for 6 years. My wife and I are having difficulties in our relationship.
I feel I need more sex and more variety in
the way she looks, i.e., I would like to see her dress up sexy occasionally,
or act out fantasies in various outfits (e.g., nurse, secretary, etc.) She
refuses saying I am just trying to control her. I have recently become
involved with a 20 year old co-worker who seems to be able to pull all the
right strings for me, and feels the same way sexually as I do. I love my
wife and want to work it out. I try to avoid the co-worker, but I find her
difficult to resist.
It sounds like you may feel that you missed out on your sexual conquest
days and want to re-establish them now. You say you want things to work out
with your wife, yet your behavior does not suggest that you are committed to
doing that. You seem to want your wife to pretend she is someone else in
order for you to feel sexual toward her. It sounds like your idea of
sexuality is based more upon what you have read in Playboy or Penthouse than
it is based upon intimacy between two people.
There is nothing wrong with wanting variety in sexuality and learning how to
be sexually playful. Nor is there anything wrong with just wanting a sexual
relationship. However, sexuality within the context of an intimate
relationship is an entirely different experience. What you describe suggests
that you want, and seem to get from your affair, is purely a sexual liaison
without the intimacy. What your wife may want is intimacy first and then add
the playful sexuality. A marriage counselor, with a specialty in sex
therapy, might be helpful for you and your wife. This would give you both an
opportunity to explore the nature of your relationship and the role of
sexuality as well.
I also suggest that if you truly want to work on your marriage, stop the
affair, pronto. If your wife should discover it, your credibility will no
doubt suffer and the entire marriage could blow up on you. If you find it
difficult to just say "no," I suggest you seek professional help immediately
for yourself and then seek marriage counseling. You cannot go into marriage
counseling carrying the secret of your affair nor can you tell the marriage
counselor without also telling your wife. To try to do otherwise would
compromise the integrity of the counselor; s/he cannot be a party to your
Dr. Edward A. Dreyfus is a Clinical Psychologist,
Marriage, Family, Child Therapist, and Sex Therapist. Dr. Dreyfus has been providing
psychological services in the Los Angeles-Santa Monica area for over 30 years.
He offers individual psychotherapy to adolescents and adults, divorce mediation,
couples counseling, group therapy, and career and vocational counseling and
assessment.His book, Someone Right For You, is available in the Amazing
Dr. Dreyfus can be reached at: (310) 208-5700.