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QUESTIONS & ANSWERS:
Relationships Department

Please remember, this column is designed to help the consumer seeking behavioral-health information, and not intended to be any form of psychotherapy or a replacement for professional, individualized services. Opinions expressed in the column are those of the columnist and do not represent the position of other SelfhelpMagazine.com staff.

Question

It seems that there are great many guys out there who put on a show of being nice, friendly, gentlemanly when I first meet them and then they turn out to be real creeps. They seem to be wolves in lamb's clothing. I refer to this as the Jekle-Hyde syndrome. How can I weed out the jerks?

Answer

Text of answer goes here.

There's no easy answer to this question. There are several approaches that may increase the probability of meeting appropriate men who are genuinely nice. There are several variables to consider: 1) where you are looking, 2) what you are looking for, and 3) developing an early detection sense about men.

You can increase the probability of finding an appropriate person by looking in appropriate places. You are less likely to find an appropriate mate in a bar than you are in a museum. In other words, if you try to meet someone in a bar or club, many of the people who attend are merely seeking a temporary companion. In these environments, most people are putting on some type of act. In a museum or other activity, people are interested in the activity first, meeting people second. Therefore, they are more likely to authentic.

Knowing what you want in a relationship is helpful, especially if you develop a plan for meeting this type of person. Ask yourself where you would most likely find a man with the desired qualities and interests. Since meeting appropriate companions is often a crapshoot, you should figure out ways of increasing the odds in your favor.

Becoming more attentive to subtle cues will also help in weeding out the "creeps." Learning about previous relationships and how and why they ended gives information about how he will relate to women. Listening to attitudes about life, women, relationships will give you considerable information early on to help you decide whether he is work a second date. If you are more concerned about impressing him, how you look, or whether he is interested, you will miss out on these cues.

3/5/98

Dr. Edward A. Dreyfus is a Clinical Psychologist, Marriage, Family, Child Therapist, and Sex Therapist. Dr. Dreyfus has been providing psychological services in the Los Angeles-Santa Monica area for over 30 years. He offers individual psychotherapy to adolescents and adults, divorce mediation, couples counseling, group therapy, and career and vocational counseling and assessment.His book, Someone Right For You, is available in the Amazing Bookstore Catalog.

Dr. Dreyfus can be reached at: (310) 208-5700.

 

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