I have been involved in a relationship with an extremely jealous
and possessive male for the past seven months. No matter how much I give,
it never seems to be enough. At times our relationship is beautiful. We enjoy
the same activities, music, etc. He is very sensitive, loving, giving, the
perfect sex mate, very attentive, etc. The downside is he is always
extremely jealous of my friends, my parents, and my children, etc., and he
is possessive. He always doubts my love for him. He has wanted me to marry
him since the first month after we meet. He would not give our relationship the
time that it needed to develop. We have broken up for a couple of weeks at
a time after one of these episodes. But I always forgive him and give him
another chance. But just as soon as I did, the doubt, jealously, and
possessiveness would return.
He always blames me for our problems and says that I am unwilling to make a
commitment. I have made a commitment to marry him. We have set several
dates to marry. But, then he will get extremely mad about the smallest
things and doubt my love for him. When he gets mad and upset it is always
to the extreme to the point where there is no way I would honor my commitment.
Will he ever be everything to me that he promises and believe in me and
trust me? My friends and family do not approve of this relationship because of
past damage done. I desperately need your advice.
The degree of jealousy and possessiveness you describe suggests that
his desire to marry you has more to do with controlling you than loving you.
Most relationships that progress according to your description end up in
disaster. Once you are married, the demands increase and the attentiveness
decreases. Your friend's insecurity is a major impediment to intimacy. The
sentences that begin with, "If you love me then you would do." Or "If you
love me you wouldn't do." are controlling statements, designed to have
you do whatever is being requested. Accusing you of not loving him because you
behave in a particular manner and then becoming angry is similar to a child
having a temper tantrum and accusing mommy of not loving him. These are all
signs of an immature personality and do not bode well for a healthy
relationship. The statement that it would all change once you marry is
probably true it will get worse.
You sound as though you are perceptive enough to recognize that something is
seriously wrong with your relationship, yet you seem willing to take
considerable abuse. Perhaps you can examine your own neediness. You have
no evidence to suggest that your friend recognizes that something is wrong with
his behavior. Until he does, there is no reason to suspect that he will change.
Dr. Edward A. Dreyfus is a Clinical Psychologist,
Marriage, Family, Child Therapist, and Sex Therapist. Dr. Dreyfus has been providing
psychological services in the Los Angeles-Santa Monica area for over 30 years.
He offers individual psychotherapy to adolescents and adults, divorce mediation,
couples counseling, group therapy, and career and vocational counseling and
assessment.His book, Someone Right For You, is available in the Amazing
Dr. Dreyfus can be reached at: (310) 208-5700.