I have been involved with a married man for over three years. Many
times we have tried to let go of each other as we both realized that it was
not right since he was married and due to his religious beliefs and morals --
he felt that it was wrong to break a marriage no matter what problems there
are. I had always accepted this and when I failed at other relationships we
would see each other again. I know I am foolish to be involved in such a
messy situation but I do love him and cannot let go. I do have other men
interested in me, but I am not interested in any one else.
Your situation is very common, including the pain and suffering that
you experience. Becoming involved with a married person to the point of
considering a future together is a very dicey proposition. First of all, the
relationship that is established is based on knowing the person as married,
not as a single and available person. Thus the playing field is not level.
The married person is dividing his/her emotions between two people. Secondly,
there is the issue of trust. Namely, the married person is cheating on
his/her spouse. What's to say that he won't cheat on you? Thirdly, you are
putting yourself in the position of second class citizen, waiting for your
lover to make a decision about who will be the benefactor of his affections.
Perhaps you should question your own psychological makeup. Why are you
willing to accept being in such a precarious situation where you have to
accept his excessive baggage? What damage does this do to your self-esteem?
Are you afraid of intimacy with someone who is totally available? Are you so
needy for a relationship that every time a relationship breaks up you fall
back on the married man? Your relationship with him sounds like one based on
neediness or dependency rather than on authentic love. Some of these
relationships do work out, but then some people do win the lottery. Do you
want to base your future happiness on a lottery?
Dr. Edward A. Dreyfus is a Clinical Psychologist,
Marriage, Family, Child Therapist, and Sex Therapist. Dr. Dreyfus has been providing
psychological services in the Los Angeles-Santa Monica area for over 30 years.
He offers individual psychotherapy to adolescents and adults, divorce mediation,
couples counseling, group therapy, and career and vocational counseling and
assessment.His book, Someone Right For You, is available in the Amazing
Dr. Dreyfus can be reached at: (310) 208-5700.