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QUESTIONS & ANSWERS:
Relationships Department

Please remember, this column is designed to help the consumer seeking behavioral-health information, and not intended to be any form of psychotherapy or a replacement for professional, individualized services. Opinions expressed in the column are those of the columnist and do not represent the position of other SelfhelpMagazine.com staff.

Question

I never met someone more honest than the boyfriend I have been with for almost two years. I am extremely comfortable with him, but we do not have any sexual chemistry. I have always been aware of this, but figured that since I was 22, it was time to stop being so picky. There is this other guy whom I have known since college and with whom I have great intellectual and physical chemistry. However, he broke my heart. Until recently, we had not seen each other in a year. I still find him attractive and want to see him. He says that he is sorry that he hurt me and wants to try again. Are intense physical and intellectual attraction worth sacrificing a comfortable happy relationship for?

Answer

You believe that you have to choose between an honest comfortable relationship, on the one hand, and a stimulating, exciting relationship with someone who broke your heart. You believe that at 22 you should be ready to settle down and not be so picky.

Twenty-two years of age is not the end of the line and these two relationships are not the only choices available to you. Often people believe that they have to choose between comfort and excitement in relationships as if they cannot co-exist. If they choose comfort, they often regret not having had the excitement and wonder what their life would have been like had they made the other choice. If they choose excitement, the thrill often fades and they wish they had made the other choice. You will find that you can have comfort, honesty, intellectual stimulation, and physical chemistry all in the same package. It just may take bit more patience. Your life is just beginning to unfold. Perhaps you are not being picky, but discriminating, not willing to settle for less than what you want. In a few years you may find that you have even more requirements for a prospective mate.

3/5/98

Dr. Edward A. Dreyfus is a Clinical Psychologist, Marriage, Family, Child Therapist, and Sex Therapist. Dr. Dreyfus has been providing psychological services in the Los Angeles-Santa Monica area for over 30 years. He offers individual psychotherapy to adolescents and adults, divorce mediation, couples counseling, group therapy, and career and vocational counseling and assessment.His book, Someone Right For You, is available in the Amazing Bookstore Catalog.

Dr. Dreyfus can be reached at: (310) 208-5700.

 

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