Question
My cousin invited me to her daughter's first birthday party. I would
like to go with my husband and family. She did not invite my parents because
there has been a rift in the family between my mother and her sister for the
past 5 years. I told my mother about the
invitation. She said that if I go to this party, I would be disloyal to my
parents. She also indicated that she would be very angry with me and that I
would supporting my aunt against my mother.
Answer
It sounds like you want to do what is right for you. You and your
mother are separate, but
it sounds like your mom wants to make you an extension of herself. You have
the right to go to your cousin's party and need to set boundaries between you
and your mom. You may want to talk with your mother and tell her that you
intend to do things she might disagree with, but that you love her and want a relationship
with her that allows you to have your own opinions and follow your own
thoughts. If having a relationship with your mom means doing what she wants
rather than what is good for you, this is not a relationship, but an
entrapment. Don't expect this separation to be easy. Many family members
often try to use anger and guilt to keep other family members "in line". How
you separate from your mother is a delicate, but necessary developmental
stage to reach adulthood.
3/5/98
Dr. Patricia Pitta is a clinical psychologist
practicing in Manhasset, New York, for more than 20 years. She is a Diplomat
in Family Psychology of the American Psychological Association and an Approved
Supervisor of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy. Dr. Pitta
is also the President of the Long Island Association of Marriage and Family
Therapy.
She has created a treatment modality that enables the partners to accept
responsibility for their parts in relationship problems leading to resolution
of issues without getting stuck in blame. She encourages self growth which
enhances couple growth and family development.
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