After four years of having a long distance relationship with a man
I began to feel that I wasn't being romanced enough. It seemed that we had
just become comfortable with one another; so by mutual consent, we broke off our
relationship. Shortly thereafter I began seeing someone who treats me the way
I want to be treated. My former boyfriend now wants to rekindle our
relationship. I am not sure who is better for me. They are both exceptional
people who want a committed relationship. When I am with one, I cannot help
but think about the other and compare one to the other. I don't want to base
my decision on the comfort of one or the newness of the other.
You are indeed a lucky woman to have two "exceptional" people in your
life. Let's take a look at what we've got here. On the one hand, there is
the familiarity of the first man and the fact that you have four years
invested in the relationship. The issue of keeping the romance in a long
term relationship is not an uncommon, especially among women. It can be
worked out in a variety of ways if both parties are committed to making it
happen. Even long-time married people have found that having at least one
night each week set aside for "date night," with each party alternately
taking responsibility for the date, can be quite a boost to the relationship.
However, this does not deal with the issue of the long distance between the
two of you. Not unless and until you are both certain about wanting to make
more of a commitment, one of you moving would be inadvisable.
With the second interest, you have convenience instead of comfort. But this
relationship is still new. So it's premature to make a decision, though he
clearly has the inside track because he is local.
My question to you is, why do you feel compelled to have to make this
decision now? Perhaps you could explore both relationships and allow your
feelings determine the direction you should go. So long as both men meet
your criteria for a mate, you could enjoy the company of both of them. Trust
that you will know which one -- if either -- you would prefer to have become a
more permanent part of your life.
Dr. Edward A. Dreyfus is a Clinical Psychologist,
Marriage, Family, Child Therapist, and Sex Therapist. Dr. Dreyfus has been providing
psychological services in the Los Angeles-Santa Monica area for over 30 years.
He offers individual psychotherapy to adolescents and adults, divorce mediation,
couples counseling, group therapy, and career and vocational counseling and
assessment.His book, Someone Right For You, is available in the Amazing
Dr. Dreyfus can be reached at: (310) 208-5700.