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QUESTIONS & ANSWERS:
Relationships Department

Please remember, this column is designed to help the consumer seeking behavioral-health information, and not intended to be any form of psychotherapy or a replacement for professional, individualized services. Opinions expressed in the column are those of the columnist and do not represent the position of other SelfhelpMagazine.com staff.

Question

My husband and I have been together for four years. We are very open with one another. One of his fantasies is to see me sleep with another woman. A few years ago I was curious about being with women and I experimented with a very close friend that is lesbian and realized that I enjoyed being with men rather than women. My husband jokes around with me a lot about sleeping with a woman, but I know that he wants to see me with another woman. The only reason I would even do it is because he fantasizes about it so much. I almost feel like I have to do it. I have told him how I feel and he says that I shouldn't feel that way. Do I just have fun and go through with it or just let him continue fantasizing ?

Answer

As I understand your question, your husband has a fantasy of watching you make love to another woman. Despite your reservations you feel compelled to go through with it in order to appease your husband. Many men have these fantasies. For the most part such fantasies are hold overs from adolescence and get re-ignited by men's magazines and pornography.

Some things are better left to fantasy. Acting upon fantasy may have more unpleasant side effects than you can imagine today. Rather than acting them out, I would be more interested in what is provoking the fantasy, how satisfying your marriage and sex life is for each of you, and what either of you expects to accomplish by acting out the fantasy. The idea that you feel compelled to follow through and seem to believe that doing something against your own wishes is necessary for your marriage also concerns me. You say that you and your husband are very open with one another. I suggest that you use this openness to discuss this issue in more detail.

11/18/98



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