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Question

I just found that my husband has been entering sexual chat rooms and talking with other women about sex. I say this violates the vows of our marriage and is the same as an affair. He says I'm being ridiculous and he is "just experimenting." Who is right?

Answer

This is an increasingly common question--what are the boundaries of fidelity in today's world of cybersex, phone sex, etc.?

Since you didn't send a copy of your vows we can't make an informed judgment about your situation. A little humor--but seriously, only you and he can decide on what fidelity means to you, what your contract is, and what you both want in your marriage. Have a long, calm, dialogue and if you get stuck you may need to find a good psychologist to help you hammer out a solution that fits for you both.

03/18/98

Dr. Al Cooper, clinical director at the San Jose Marital and Sexuality Centre (408-248-9737), runs the training program for Counseling and Psychological Services at Stanford University. Dr. Cooper is internationally known for his work in sexuality and is freqently interviewed by the media. He currently writes a column in Men's Health Magazine.

Dr. Coralie Scherer coordinates online services for the Centre and specializes in sexual trauma, women's issues, and marital therapy.